I had always been a hopeless romantic. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of Prince Charming coming in and rescuing me from my isolated castle. I’m always searching for ways to find love and give love because I have such a big heart and I really love the idea of being “in love”. It’s every girl’s dream to meet the love of her life and grow old with “the one”. I unfortunately have not found my happy ending yet and every relationship I had been in, it never seems to last long, or I always end up getting my heart broken each time. Each time I always think that it would be the last time until I meet someone else who I fall madly in love with and the cycle repeats itself. It’s not easy getting your heart broken multiple times and it’s never easy having to rebuild myself each time.
I could go on and on about how depressing and lonely I feel, but I know that’s not going to benefit me in the end. My last relationship was not even a “real” relationship. It was a friendship one that had “benefits” and one that taught me the most about me. He was a guy that set his boundaries and he made it clear that he was not looking for a relationship, that he had no room to love anyone but himself. I was okay with it at first, but of course when you become friends with benefits with someone, someone always ends up catching feelings and it never ends the way like how Hollywood portrays it. I’m sure you can guess it, we did not end up together and my heart was truly broken. It wasn’t his fault it got broken. I end up hurting myself more for falling in love with the guy who was emotionally unavailable.
It was my fault for falling in love, this relationship taught me that I was the one in control, not him.
He told me multiple times he only wanted to be friends, nothing more, and my girl brain thought that mean “keep chasing after me, in hopes that you can change my mind, and that I will fall madly in love with you because of all the wonderful things you do for me.” I know I’m not the only one who thinks I can change someone’s feelings to fit my needs and wants. I realized I was the selfish one, I was the one trying to force the idea of “being happily in love” even though I was only dreaming it, I brought that idea in my head and my “love goggles” were always on. I had chase after this guy for over a year by being patient, by hiding my true feelings, and pretending that I was okay “just being friends”. I thought if I waited long enough and did my best to get to know him and try to give him all of my heart, that maybe he would see how hard I was trying and he give me a chance. But no, each attempt became more and more tiring and I started to lose myself.
Every time I began to fall in love with someone, I forget how to love me. Why is it easier to give love to someone, than it is to love yourself? I still learned a lot and our friendship became stronger more than our romance life. He was a genuine sweet guy who had the dreamiest blue eyes and a smile that could make any girl swoon. He made me feel comfortable and safe and he tried his best to be a good friend to me by not leading me on or playing games. He was always honest in our relationship, even when he slept with other women, he would tell me. Even when he hurt me, he would stop talking to me to prevent from saying anything he would regret and it hurt me more to not hear what he had to say. He had a different way of seeing life from me, he was more practical and I was more emotional. He balanced me out in a way that I learn to control my urges and learn to be more independent. In some way, him setting these boundaries, made it easier for me to focus on myself and truly learn to be friends first.
As friends we were great together, but as I became more intimate with him, I wanted more. Was it selfish of me to want more? It started making me go crazy because I didn’t know how much longer I could hold in my feelings, until one day I exploded. He told me that he only wanted to be friends and that he is sorry he can’t fulfil my needs and wants emotionally. He said he was not the guy for me and that I deserved better. Of course, I didn’t want to accept that truth, and so I swallowed my pride and said “okay” that’s fine I still want to continue seeing you. I was lying to myself and him. I became insecure about friendship and about me. I question his motives “Am I not good enough for you to be in a relationship with you?”, “Am I not worthy of being in love with?”, “Did you ever use me for your own gains?” “Were there other women you find more attractive than me?”, “Would you ever consider being with me?”. It became more difficult and I became ugly.
I started feeling resentful and I noticed how my heart became dark and twisted. It was living in constant fear of “am I good enough for love?”. Our friendship became “work” and I started losing my light. He became more distant and stopped talking and hanging out with me as much. I knew that if I wanted to save our friendship, I needed to accept this truth and learn to “let him go” otherwise, the anger and frustration would start to eat me up and make me “depressed” all over again.
I knew it was time to let him go and let my heart be “broken” in order to build myself up again.
It sucked big time. I was going insane when he stopped talking to me, when I didn’t get a call or text back after expressing how hurt I was, how much confusion I felt when he gives me mix signals that I took the wrong way. I didn’t know what was right or wrong and I knew if I continue seeing him or talking to him that it would make both of us hurt each other. I knew deep down that I rather him be my friend than losing him all together.
So, I gave him his space. I said my last words in hopes that maybe he replied and accept my apology. I took full responsibility for my emotions and my happiness and I knew only time could heal both of us. I hurt him by acting out of “selfishness” and “my own insecurities”. He knew he hurt me for not loving me and we both just stopped.
I know it’s for the best and I have no regrets of our relationship. Each heartbreak was a chance for growth. I know in my heart, I rather love someone fully than suppress my emotions and feelings. I learn to love him for who he is and enjoyed every moment we shared that was filled with happiness and joy. He made me feel comfortable and he challenged me in a way that motivated me to work harder on myself. I grew so much from being with him and I learn to have patience and understanding. I learn to be mature and communicate in a way that made me better. I learn to be vulnerable and follow my heart even though I knew it was going to get broken. With him, it was easy when there was no expectations and it was easy when we were together. I truly love him in every single way I could and I love that I could feel that feeling of “love”.
As painful as it was to let him go, I am so grateful for the experience he given me. I get stronger with each heartbreak and I know I can only go up from here. I stopped dating all together now. I gave up one-night stands, drunk nights, and even dating apps because I knew he was the last one to break my heart. I am wiser and more experience in dating now and I learn what my flaws and strengths are. I know who to give my time to and I know now how important it is to be honest with myself and accept reality for what it is. I know not to hold any grudges or resentment inside because that would prevent me from attracting “the one” and I needed to let go of all my past wounds and heal all of me in order to be ready for the right guy.
I know now I can love unconditionally and I can’t help but appreciate all the men in my life for helping me become the woman I am today. Thank you for breaking my heart again and again because now my heart is made of steel and when I am ready to open it, I know that “the one” will be worth all the heart breaks. Whoever you are, please be patient as continue growing and learning to be the best version of me that I can be.