How my FWB relationship changed the way I thought about love. The Story of Cali.
May 2019, I swiped right on yet another pretty boy who I thought was going to be a one-night stand. We met at a bar with some of my friends and hit it off really well. First time I saw him, I immediately was attracted to his crystal blue eyes and bright smile. My friends thought he was super cool and chill and approved of him so I knew we were going to hit off with a bang. That first night we must have fucked at least 7–8 times, in the shower, in the bed, in the corner of the room, and he let me sleepover and did something no other tinder guy had done for me. He cuddled and held me throughout the whole night and walked me to my car the morning after. Now I wasn’t sure how to feel about this because I thought he would never contact me again just like how most guys treated me. I knew at the time I was not in a mentally stable place. I was in a downward spiraling phase of constant “hook ups” with strangers and snorting coke after a night of drinking and dancing. I partied so hard around this time and before I met this pretty boy let’s call him “Cali”, I was hooking up with other guys left and right who would fuck me and leave me hanging most of the time. I didn’t value myself as much, maybe because I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of a relationship and just went along the “hoe” phase and embraced it.
After my night with Cali, I felt for the first time “butterflies” as you call it and we had continued to see each other at least once a week from then on. We did go on dates but it didn’t feel like a typical “dress up”, go out, get drunk, and smoke and fuck kind of dates that I was used to going on. Hanging out with him felt like I was hanging with a friend and we end up talking a lot about life and where we were at. My crazy girl side started coming out more and I knew I wanted to grow a deeper relationship with him since we were spending so much time together. However, like any other “emotionally unavailable” guy he said he was not in the place to have a girlfriend and that he just wanted to be close friends. He was pretty straight forward with me about that and I, like any other helpless girl, thought I could change his mind. I started acting all nervous and weird around him after our convo. I was so confused how to act as a girl. My girl brain wanted to do all this lovey dovey romantic shit I see in movies all the time where the girl shows affection and love to the hopeless guy, and he changes his way and returns the love back.
I don’t know why but when I get in that dating mode of trying to chase after a guy, I start to act “needy” and “crazy”.
I tried to calm my girl brain down and not show any of my crazy sides out to him because of fear of losing him. I kept my mouth shut, I try not to text so much, I tried to play so cool by brushing off things easily like this one time he gave me chlamydia after my birthday and confessed he had slept with another girl in Miami. I felt so much confusion with our relationship because
I knew I couldn’t get upset if we weren’t “together” and I couldn’t stop him from being the person he wanted to be.
I stopped seeing all my hookup buddies because of him. I didn’t want to be with anyone else and I didn’t know how to tell him that I wanted to be with him only without ruining our FWB (friends with benefits) relationship. After catching chlamydia and him apologizing for how careless he was, it made our relationship stronger. He started seeing me more and we decided one day to take shrooms together and go hangout at the beach.
If y’all know anything about taking psychedelics, the number 1 rule is NOT TO TAKE THEM if your mind is not in the right place. I hadn’t done shrooms in over 2 years and so I was nervous about taking 2 full grams by myself but because I wanted to show him how cool of a girl I was and that I can handle it I took them anyways. I kid you not, I had the worst trip in the world the day I was with him. I was tripping balls out and I couldn’t even express what was going on in my head. I didn’t want to tell him all the bad things I was thinking about but I lost control and I started crying and saying how sorry I was for being so depressing at the moment. It was stress and he had no idea how to handle me. I called my best friend for advice and gave the phone to Cali and my best friend just advise him “good luck” and that’s all it took for Cali to realize “oh shit, I have to really take care of this girl now”. He ends up taking me home and I started acting weird by taking off my clothes and just rocking back and forth until I felt normal again ugh it was so embarrassing, but Cali never left my side. He got me water and food, and held me until I felt okay again. I eventually threw up all the shrooms and started finally feeling “normal”. Cali was so relieved when he heard me speaking in complete sentences again and we end up having an open conversation about what happened. I told him how much I liked him and how much he hurt me when he slept with another woman on my birthday. He didn’t get upset and he responded quite well and said well “why didn’t you say so in the first place?”. He said how is supposed to know what goes on in my head if I don’t say anything. He was right, and I felt relieved that he didn’t judge me or shun me away like how most guys usually do. He still made it clear how much he does not want me to fall for him too deep though because he’s scared that he would not be able to fulfill that void I was missing. However him being honest and open with me about that, made me want him even more.
He never slept with any other girls after that and our relationship became a really close friendship. We hung out a lot still and we started doing fun things like cooking together, picking out new plants for his new place, paint balling, swimming, and he taught me a lot of new skills that I never knew I be interested like learning how to roll a joint and learning how to camp. I found a new love for all these cool hobbies and truly appreciated how well he treated me when we were together. In fact, my whole life had changed after that shroom trip. I started to take care of myself more. I was motivated to get my mental health in check and take care of my depression and co-dependency by focusing on work and acting. I was getting gigs booked left and right and got signed by an agency. It was crazy how everything started flowing together so smoothly since that trip. I felt so happy that I was having a better relationship with not just him, but myself and we really supported each other in that aspect. Everything felt really great until the new year came around and my heart wanted more from him. I felt like because everything was going so well, but I wanted more. I wanted to grow our relationship to the next level.
“ I was in love and that’s when everything good started to fall down.”
He became distance with me when he started working more. He stopped calling me back and answering my texts as often. I remember one night I went to his house because he didn’t text me back for 3 days and I got frustrated and worried. He wasn’t mad I came over but he explained to me how busy he’s been and that he just wanted to be alone. He got tired of explaining to me how he didn’t want the expectations of a relationship on him, that he just wanted time for himself. It really hurt me and our communication started breaking apart. I saw he was still on dating apps and talking to other women. He didn’t sleep with any but I started to get paranoid and thought wow after almost half of year of having this kind of relationship, this is the breaking point. I felt helpless again and hurt because I thought I really wasn’t good enough for him to want me that much. We kept running into the same issues of me wanting more and him wanting less. He said he still wanted me to be his friend and, in his life, but he understands if it was too hard for me to do that and that I deserved to be with a guy who wants to put his all into me. He said I deserved better than him. I knew I did to. I knew I deserved better for myself. Now that I was finally off the drugs and partying, I became more aware of myself and saw my self-worth for what it is. I question things more and saw life where I put myself first. I was happy to have come so far in my journey and found a love for myself that I could truly appreciate. Unfortunately, I knew that also meant letting go of everyone and everything that was holding me back including Cali. His distance kept me apart from him and I knew if I kept pushing, that it would only grow that distance even more. My heart was breaking because I knew the person that I wanted love from more than anyone, had none left to give for me.
We said our final goodbyes and just like that my FWB relationship was over.
If he wasn’t the one for me, he was the one that helped me discover a different kind of love. One where I could be honest and open about my feelings. He helped me find love within myself by giving me that space and time to tend to my own grass. He helped me discover other things in life that provided me love like nature and traveling. He allowed me to have that space to be free and open without judgment and criticism. Cali, I’m not sure how to feel about this breakup, but I do know you changed my life for the better and although you may not have loved me romantically, you shown me what love can be like in other ways. You gave me love in a form of a friendship and I know now that I much rather have a love like ours than anything else. Cali will always have a place in my heart, one that I am forever blessed to have.
I love you and thank you for giving me that time to learn what love can really feel like.