How my FWB relationship changed the way I thought about love. The Story of Cali.

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash

May 2019, I swiped right on yet another pretty boy who I thought was going to be a one-night stand. We met at a bar with some of my friends and hit it off really well. First time I saw him, I immediately was attracted to his crystal blue eyes and bright smile. My friends thought he was super cool and chill and approved of him so I knew we were going to hit off with a bang. That first night we must have fucked at least 7–8 times, in the shower, in the bed, in the corner of the room, and he let me sleepover and did something no other tinder guy had done for me. He cuddled and held me throughout the whole night and walked me to my car the morning after. Now I wasn’t sure how to feel about this because I thought he would never contact me again just like how most guys treated me. I knew at the time I was not in a mentally stable place. I was in a downward spiraling phase of constant “hook ups” with strangers and snorting coke after a night of drinking and dancing. I partied so hard around this time and before I met this pretty boy let’s call him “Cali”, I was hooking up with other guys left and right who would fuck me and leave me hanging most of the time. I didn’t value myself as much, maybe because I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of a relationship and just went along the “hoe” phase and embraced it.

After my night with Cali, I felt for the first time “butterflies” as you call it and we had continued to see each other at least once a week from then on. We did go on dates but it didn’t feel like a typical “dress up”, go out, get drunk, and smoke and fuck kind of dates that I was used to going on. Hanging out with him felt like I was hanging with a friend and we end up talking a lot about life and where we were at. My crazy girl side started coming out more and I knew I wanted to grow a deeper relationship with him since we were spending so much time together. However, like any other “emotionally unavailable” guy he said he was not in the place to have a girlfriend and that he just wanted to be close friends. He was pretty straight forward with me about that and I, like any other helpless girl, thought I could change his mind. I started acting all nervous and weird around him after our convo. I was so confused how to act as a girl. My girl brain wanted to do all this lovey dovey romantic shit I…