For so long, I tried to escape from my fears of living. I wanted to become an actress, a stand-up comedian, an influencer, or anything big because I wanted to make a difference in the world. I tried to make it work for years, but I kept meeting with rejections and time after time problem after problem dealing with all the work that needed to be done to make this life work. It was heavy work and it nearly killed me.
I gave up at one point and blamed it on the pandemic or being burnt out. I told myself maybe it wasn’t meant for me and I’m supposed to do something else. I took the easy way out. I moved back home with my parents and tried to start all over again. I thought maybe I just needed a new start, a clearer mind, and take time to take care of myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Procrastination was my biggest threat. I kept meeting with resistance. I had started my own business and thought maybe life coaching and become an entrepreneur would be the solution to my career problems. But again, I failed. I was good at starting things up and felt energized to get things going, but when it came down to being consistent and thriving, I was faced with more rejections, failures, and I ran away again. I end up getting a stable job as a pre-school photographer which is not bad at all. I get to make kids laugh and smile every day and that brings me a lot of happiness. But of course, it’s not exactly what I wanted to do for my dreams and goals.
I failed and I let myself down. I distracted myself with other problems like relationships and finances. Life is hard, it really is and it sucks to look at your failures and have to admit you didn’t go after your dreams hard enough. But I learned a lot and although I failed, I didn’t quite give up. Those dreams seem to be put on hold for now while I sort through my mind and heart trying to connect everything within myself so I can find the strength and passion to continue living.
At one point, I did wanted to end my life. I wanted to give up so badly because the darkness within myself and the pain I felt of failing was deep. It consumed me in ways that made me lose myself to the darkness. I didn’t know how to deal with depression or the painful reality of failing myself. I didn’t want to admit that I failed so I covered…